CarO

by Red Dog Pieface, Peter Bailey


This publication of CarO is by Chris Church.


 

——CEDAR ALLEY——

← TO VAN NESS AVE.

TO POLK STREET →

Yew-all are invited to the Silver Dollar Saloon via the
Cedar Alley Entry
through the swinging doors to celebrate—

THE
SILVER
DOLLAR QUEEN
REIGNS
ONCE
MORE!


CAROLINE STONE


HALLOWEEN
FRIDAY OCT. 31
(9 TO 1)
HER ‹39›TH!

When you enter
this hall, you
can
Expect-to-rate
with:

RED-HEADED STRANGERS
SHORTY-TIME ROMANCERS
SEÑORITA CHIQUITAS
HEIFER HUSTLERS
CINNAMON COWBOYS
TUMBLEWEED TWIRLERS
PIERCED-NOSE BUCKS
LOOSE CHANGERS
MOUNTAIN MEN
NEW HUEVO RANCHEROS
URBAN COWPERSONS
SONS OF THE PIONEERS
DAUGHTERS OF LOS ALAMOS
GILA ‘MONSTERS’
RHINESTONE COWBOYS
BORDERLINE ‘CASAS’
LÉVI-STRAUSSIANS
HI-HO SILVERS
DECKED ‘APACHES’
MINDLESS MARGARETS
PAUNCHY VILLAS
EQUIS-DOSERS
HIP AZTECHNICIANS
TEX-MEX MIXERS
WATERS OF THE
-PURPLE SAGE
SADDLERS & SHOERS
DANCE HAULED GIRLS
OK OKLAHOMANS
MASKED MEN
TONTO-PRONTOS
ARCANE ARMADILLOS
GLITTER WET-BACKS
PISTOL-PACKIN’ MAUMAUS
MINORS & MINER’S
-DAUGHTERS
WACO WEIRDOS
LOOSE SIERRA MADRES
TAMPICO BOMBERS
MIDNIGHT COWGIRLS
ALBUQUERQUEERS
THE DOORMOUSE IN
THE 10-GALLON HAT
& MORE … …

Branding
Station
‹39›

A LIVE
COUNTRY-WESTERN
BAND
PLAYIN’ FOR YEW!

“HIGH” NOON
SHOOT-OUT
STARTS
HERE
×

POOL
TABLE
SHARKS
SURFACE
HERE

DENVER’S
JOHN

OLIVIA
NEWTON’S
JOHN

Yew kin
stomp the
warts off’n
seventeen
horny toads
on this
bouncy dance
floor!

ALL AROUND
IN
THROUGH THIS
HERE PART
IS YOUR
FRIENDLY
NO-HOST
BAR

Panatelas
&
Cheroots

DOLLY PARTON
LOOK-ALIKE
CONTEST
TAKES PLACE
HERE
×

Finger-stickin’ grungies here

“DEAD” MIDNIGHT
SHOOT-OUT
ENDS HERE
×

DO NOT ENTER HERE → ← aka PREVIEWS

——GEARY STREET——

 

 

The Party

Lady Caroline Stone celebrated her

Annual Fête with much aplomb. "Truly

an event to remember" said all and

sundry. One wag was heard to comment,

"I felt like a piece of straw in a

sea of straw hats." We do not feel, as
Incredible
editor, qualified to chaff about such
molehills were
a profound comment upon the splendid
created from
assemblage and company. Leave it to
mountains of
the Great Winnower in the Western
Foggacio
Skies! ...Accomplished musicians and
while strolling
cold Italian bread graced the gracious
musicians wandered
decor, which consisted of consistently
and strutted upon
pleasing graphic products on several
a well-amplified
of the many walls, which were cleverly
postage stamp
supplied by the clever owners of the
stage with no-
joint....The pleasant click of billiard
thing due! --tho
balls mixed happily with the clink of
se guys paid their
full and quickly-emptying glasses and
dues from way back!
the shattering tinkle of those which
Kudos for Bobby,
were really empty and lightly flung
Kudos for Russ,
away in a spirit of joy-dee-veever.
especially
The esteemed musical aggregation hired
for use of
on the spur of the moment proved to
of the
surpass even their own high (high!)
spaced-out
standards. Little did they know that
space
for some of the revellers they them-

selves were those heights. Bravos for

"Spur of the Moment" and their abil-

ity to 'revv' up a crowd while enjoy-

ing the music they make!



At the branding station, M. used his usual
snake-oil medicine-man charm to dis-
tinguish a real silver dollah from a
Susan B. Anthony weirdo look-alike. It was Abe Lincoln,
the Statue of Liberty or else out you go. Thanks to the
two banns (Tubans) at the door.



Charming Mahonta flew all the way (by

aeroplane!) from her home in Texas

to be with her sister at this glad e-

vent. Gladly arriving with her

was svelte and saucy sister, Tootsie;

and so this brilliant gathering to-

gether of the family did not suggest

anything out of the murky scenes from

Macbeth or Die Götterdämmerung. So

nice to see the three as Graces!



The hostess's daughters outdid them-

selves (and each other) in splendid

finery. Deborah was positively layer-

ed in satin and spanish lace, while

daughter Rosemary was a total fan-out;

her décolletage was no decal, as sev-

eral gentlemen were heard to remark.

Jake, the distinguishedly former hus-

band and present father of several of

the above dropped by the editor's

desk for a little editorial consola-

tion. America, the beautiful, has seen

but a white lily grow and swansdown

ever. 'Nuff said.

 

 

Comments from Near and Far Out

"Several patrons mixed it up with
quite a few saints, right while I
was watching!" said Lady Stone, re-
vealing a few Devilish Blushes, one
of the names for her high cheek
blusher.

Prominent visiting journalist and
bartender, D... postulated: "Fellatio, an
Italian opera in one cavatina on a
hot roof." (Ed. note: As we all re-
member, a cast of two is required,
disallowing occasional acrobatic freaks.
Memorable performances are too nu-
merous to quote in this short space
and, besides, the source usually can-
not be reached).

His Kuhlness stated: "This must be a
good party to lure this many folks off
the Beach on a night when CarOline is
often a cocktail-feature at the Savoy."
Famous international biker, and
tripper-out C..-C..
who has bigger calves than we have been
known to expect (though, God knows,
they're exposed often enough) requested
the press to thank his director, his
photographer, his producer, and most
of all his bartenders!
Bewildered by big blue-belted butcheros
on all sides, _ _ _ _ _ _ (tall ex-bartender
at Spag Feg (& ex of T. Disco?)) begged, "What
does turquoise on the left mean?"

"I am from Okla.," posited Ron Sw..da,
"and this is a wonderful party. I've
been here many times and never to a party
like this. The mixture of wenches and
fairies is very intriguing."

Bob Miller was right there where the there is,

A very well-known tatter was heard to
comment, "On Hallowe'en I usually
stay home." (Ed. No comment).
Cub Scouts and pom-pom girls were in-
volved in a sardonically scattered dis-
course conducted by prominent filmperson
David MacM: "If western union cowboy
boots continue to get as tight as
they're gettin', all them cowboys are
goin' to sound like Maria Callas."

"Pumpkin pot did not smoke; did ya notice?"

"Fabulous tonight: all we had to do
is look and you will be healed from
sin and error," was the statement
lowly intoned by Gerovi (the only name
word which means 'you').

A former inhabitant (of where?) said,
"So literally real. This is how the
West wins out."
Geraldo, changing hats, elucidated,
"Euripedes once said to a cowboy
arriving late to a party: 'Much better
than arriving on time.'"

Leo: "This ain't no dress rehearsal, honey; this is it."

 

 

Meanwhile, Back on the Dance Floor

The hottest stepping couple on the
rockatorium arena was none other than
Ms. High-Hatter (the Quick-Clicker
herself) and Mary thee well. The second
hottest was when D. Pistorio took over
from a panting Pieface and tornadoed
up a Tulsa Tango with the Queen of
the Silver Dollar like that shit-
kickin' just couldn't stop kickin'
itself it was so good. Third winners
in the multi-level room: Top Steppers
of the Two-Step: Janet and the tall-wiry-
and-in-a-simple-sort-of-way handsome one.

 

 

Costumery and Finery Observed

Roger and Dennis, lithe queens of glad-
ness, in cotton candy wig-hairs
were frright-delightfully wiggy, don'tcha
know?

Were those really feely-FAO Schwartz
cowboys at a down-front table, or does
the Kaiser wear chaps?

All that glitters is not gilt -- it's
just Sam M Stretching his many-facetted
shoulderings. Zow! Woz!

{The future auto-da-fé revealed itself
as OTTO, a nontoxic but surcharged
intaking musical addition. (Only Fay
Wray can figure out an electronic dul-
cimer while ensconced in the arms of
a wired hairy guitar).}
Is this someone you recognize?

A prominent legal temptrex was seen by
others to attack your editor, crouch-
ing at his side and tickling his face
with extremely tempting feathers.
P. . . . by name, she was undoubtedly
stung into action by the positively
staggeringly comely come-on of her
consort, R . . . . . d.

N . . . .  K. corrected several misconcep-
tions about himself and other yet more
endangered species than anyone has yet
been aware of. (Help! Help! The Yets
are endangered!)

Joanne was heard to insist upon Nat-
ive American notes (Ed. Note: perhaps
little Bluebird girls in teepees in
the corners of social notepaper?)

Terryclothed in the yellowing rose of
Texas, bloomed and glowed through the
night, as a masked man masquerading as
Larry E. queried, "Who was that masked
man I saw you masquerading with last night?..."
"Oh, that wasn't a mask, it was my muff!"

A disastrous note was struck when Mr.
Dan I., prominent (cow) flapper, lost
his pet Holstein, which he had
put out to pasture on his very own face.
Ah woe! (All agreed, however, upon the
udder pastorality of the seen.)

Leo, a working cohort of the Silver
Dollar Queen's, represented several
endangered species in his panoply of
plumes, pelts and pizzaz.

Several clowns arrived, not entirely
sure if they were clone-clothed clowns,
clown-clothed clones, or just wigged
out on clouds of hair, with a cumulating effect.

Judith, a ladling lady, brought vistas
of bygone plains to bear...
?

J.ff...'s well-known cleavage, the one
running down his back, was much in ev-
idence (well-rubbed, we might add, by
all and sundry. Now, now Sundry, stop
that unless you mean it.)

As to what's going for the thirteen
and a half Dolly Parton look Alikes
who showed up, we can give an INSIDE
SCOOP: all thirteen and a half have
signed up for next year's extravaganza --
THE TOOTH FAIRY CONTEST.

 

 

Social Notes Just Dripping All Over Everywhere

Joey trundled across the floor. Paul
Fiermonte stopped his cab for a peek.
At That very moment, 11:01 pm to be
precise, Bob, a local habitué stated:
"Thepooltableatethewhiteball.Anirate
fairythrewthetableintothemiddleofGeary
Streetandstoppedtrafficforonlythree
minutes.Afterall,itisHallowe'en!"

Lady Merrily Lordness, when asked to
comment briefly on the fact that the
Dolly Parton Look-Alike Contest had
not taken place, commented (and we
quote feelingly): "My feet hurt."

ChiChi was branded in more places than
a highclass --- should expect, but why
not try for the heights? (Pacific? - $50?)

It is reported that Mr. T. Disco had
to wash his hair three times in order
to get his glitter to stick. But stick
it did, indeed. And glitted!

A tall gentleman in a veryveryvery small
hat was heared to chuckle over the
general joy-de-veever. ...Natural lines
formed at natural places: the bar wells,
the entrances to Olivia Newton's John
and Denver's John. Beer flowed. Music
poured over us all as M. Arthur
Seidmann laughed in a fashionably loud
fashion. The estimable Franco G. hid
not his true shit-kicker reality, but
then we (editorially) think nix of his
attempts to do so. He had a steady
tit-tomming, tom-titting beat.

Mr. V. Bowes bowed graciously to our
presence in his usual presence -- an
alegant cotton-picker if one has e'er
been noted. ...An entire entourage
(though some thought it an entour
entirage) arrived with the eminent M.
Floer (Pearls for Days!). In such dis-
tinguished company as this one truly
is, it is hard to type anyone except
as a type. So we shan't. We shall just
thank our lucky typewriter that we were
actually present to cover such memorably
delicious scoops. Enough to make your
editor feel truly priss-elegant.

Wild Bill/Bonnie could not come to Peace
Council Bluffs about the dangle of the
earrings, or so one ear heard.

People too numerous to mention in the
lower forty were not left out intention-
ally: too busy fuckin' forty acres of
wheat flat? (Barry Braugham, where were
you when we needed your jokes?)

_ _ _ _ _ and a red-faced piedog "bobbed hair"
up and down in flickering semi-darkness
before entering the two most popular
roomettes.

Patty Callahan was caught playing low-key
Kitty at the bar. Lynn Glassman
was in more places than one. ...With
a gracious 'Grazie,' Graziano towed in
a new graciousness. ...Robert Ham
was 'your' authentically basic real
cowboy. ...Frank Harvey touched down.
Kanight threw a Silver Dollar Queen
over one should while leering at other
susceptible liklihoods.

How this does go on! We all know,
however, that gossip and obits are
even more popular than the want-ads.

The conehead from La Selva stayed totally
coned all night, with the help of a
helpless nurse named Lynn.

Bob Harvey's mask outshone all others --
could it have been all those rhinestones
or the glitter of his eyes?

Jerry John Stone, otherwise known as
Jake, the Little Prince, did not read
a book as long as the shit-kickin'
music was kickin' the warts off'n them
seventeen horny toads.

And you know what? Rick Saporito and
Pat and Mary Magee had an authentically
good time: "So glad to be here," heart-felt.

 

 

Philosophical Asides

"Some of 'em come from the Styx," muttered
an old crone to a drunk piano.

As life grows shorter, cowboys grow
taller.

"If you ain't cowboy you ain't shit -- yet!"

 

 

Shootout

A cloud was felt by all with the sudden
news that Miss Patsy Cline, beloved
among the brethren, was indeed very
badly hurt and quite seriously in the
hospital. "That bad, eh?" an onlooker
claimed with a literary stake. In ac-
tual fact to them who knows, it was
the ex-husband of our gracious hostess
who revealed this ventricle-wrenching
information to the gathered guests.
Little did he know he was but presaging
more serious events.
For, in a trice, the entire assembled
assemblage was caught up in a REAL LIVE
DRAMA. Right there, marked with an ex
(or was it exxed with a Mark?) a
rootin'-tootin' shootout occurred with-
out sufficient rehearsal or very
clean guns. The first valiant attempt
to save Mme. Deborah's highly-touted
reputation (as well as repute) mis-fired
and we all uttered tiny silent
prayers. But the second attempt at
midnight was a deadening success. Even
the music stopped. Mark marked the
floor with his own corpus delicious as
John muttered as he added to his notches,
"One more Mark." The Vigilante Committee,
all of whom were in attendance, were
each in his or her several ways, so
juiced, joyous or smoked out that they
were unable to rally, or justice might
have been wreaked in time's own face
within minutes. So we just repeated
tiny silent prayers. ...Mme. Deborah
saved again just in a notch of time!
————————
(Ed. Note): Mark got shot twice be-
cause John's back held out.

 

 


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Copyright © 2000 by Peter Bailey